amazing new concepts.....

This week I have decided to cut my arm off.

Ok maybe not literally but I restricted my use of Facebook considerably which is about the same thing. Now I needed something to work on that isn't so time consuming so I opened a Twitter account. It is really quite amazing. You should go do it now. In fact, I'm going to end my blog so you won't feel guilty about leaving this place right now... www.twitter.com

ps. my twitter name is zchgtly. Tweet me!

drip, drop

Laying in bed with my electric heating pad and comforter, listening to the rain is one of my favorite pastimes. The smell of clean air floats in, washing the room of the smell of my roommate's cooking. Unfortunately, that is not the only thing than seems to be washing away. As I lay here, thinking about life, I realize that I don't hold tight to relationships. Sure, I call my mom and sister weekly, chat with some friends from high school or my first university a couple times a month, and others about once a year.

Moving always has its difficulties: different bed, strange people, and new routines. The new things aren't necessarily the difficult ones: what to do with old friends? What level of connection is needed to keep the relationship alive without compromising new relationships? Friends are just difficult sometimes. There really is no good general analogy as to how friends affect your life. Sure, they are like bras or glue or pillars but what happens when the glue becomes brittle or the bra clasp breaks or the pillars are in an earthquake? Can it be fixed?

I have often wondered how I have kept the friends that I have with how little I seem to communicate with them. In total, I keep in contact with less than ten friends on a regular basis from the last six years (who I don't physically see regularly). At the same time, some of these friends, I feel as comfortable now as I did five years ago with them.

Here at my current school, I feel out of the loop. I know a lot of people but not a lot of people know me. A few will take the time to hear my rants and raves but I still feel out of place. There is no one who is an "inner circle" friend of mine within several hundred miles of me. It hurts to be without the warm atmosphere of a close friend, sharing ideas and a pot of tea, mulling over the past and flinging ourselves into the future. I just haven't been able to make that connection that use to come so naturally. It seems that once I get comfortable, I don't want to try to improve my situation. That is how I have felt for the majority of the this school year but now it is biting me in the butt. I should have made more and closer friends about 5 months ago but instead, here I am barely remembering some people's names. I guess I must make the best of my situation and press forward with an open mind and open arms.

The door

Trudging up the stairs of Newton Hall is really not that exciting. Smells of old carpet, sweat, and spilt laundry detergent waft through the stairwell, welcoming me home as I round the corner to pull open the heavy, metal door to my hall. Usually, I either pass someone in the doorway or no one is around and the door is already closed. But every once in a while, someone has beat me to the door, letting it close behind them before I can make it. At this point I have a only a second to make up my mind as to whether or not put my fingers in the path of the closing door or wait for it to close and then open it again. I really don’t want my fingers to get crushed by this heavy door. Sometimes there is a spacious enough gap to catch it but other times it is a close call as to whether or not there is enough space. Either way I am able to through the doorway to my hall but in that split second of decision, I decide to take the chance or to wait.

During a graduation ceremony, a speaker once said that ten words, ten syllables, and twenty letters could chance a life from a trickling stream to a ranging river. This simple sentence has the power to let one lead a life of worth: “If it is to be, it is up to me.” This sounded selfish to me when I heard it. What about God, family, and friends? Well they won’t do everything for me. Action is needed on my part to live my life. I need to choose my course of action and follow through with it. These choices will come with risks, ones that carry more weight than a heavy, metal door. Without risk, there is no reward. It seems simple and I wish it was.